Jeffrey Carl Faden (jeffreyatw) wrote,
Jeffrey Carl Faden
jeffreyatw

Mind dump

Here's my little composition for the day. It's a small MP3 that I made with NoteWorthy Composer, MIDIG, Hammerhead, and GoldWave, as proof that Sketchee knows damn well what he's talking about when it comes to software. You happy yet?

I feel so much pity for my real-life self.

There's got to be a name for the emotion I'm feeling right now. One could easily say it's sadness, but there's no reason for my feeling it. Does there have to be? And I can't really tell what the emotion is stemming from either. Is it sympathy for other people who are hurt or lonely? Is it simply a sugar low? Can I feel really good while also feeling this way?

I have great friends, I have a great community, I have all I ever need, I have a great life. Is what I'm feeling emptiness? I despise people who whine about their emptiness, especially those who are often in the spotlight! If I'm even better off than they are, supposedly, then why is it that I feel like there's something missing?

Could it be that I feel compelled to write about my emotion because I don't want to do anything else? Am I feeling insecure, like all these things I don't need to do are putting stress on me? I feel like I need to mentally scream. I want to be fulfilled. But I don't think there's anything that can do it.

No, I don't think it's companionship either.

I've been recently feeling like beating up on myself. I keep scolding myself for doing new and different things. My mind and body are telling me that I am trying to boost my own ego by reaching out to people. I argue with myself.

No one else matters - no, that's not it, everyone matters but me. I keep swaying back and forth to the two extremes of selflessness and selfishness.

The toothbrush and toothpaste are right there in front of me. I'm about to go to bed. I am not too tired to brush my teeth. I have a mental battle on whether or not to brush my teeth. Why NOT? I really should. I feel like I have my first cavity in the left side of the roof of my mouth. But what part of me is telling me to resist and not brush? I often tell me to hurt myself in that way. I bite my nails. I rip out the insides of my cuticles because they're there. I know it'll leave scabs and maybe scars in the long run but I just love doing it.

Why am I working out? Why am I bleaching my hair? Why am I waking up in the mornings to shower, brush teeth, shave, gel my hair? Why did I wear that muscle shirt last week? Am I enjoying it? Have I been programmed to enjoy it? Who am I impressing? Do I want to impress the types of people who judge by appearance? Does my bleached hair make me a poser or an outcast? Are all outcasts posers, or are all popular people posers? What's the definition of that? I was called that in a very cruel manner by someone who I thought I was on good terms with.

Is this all angst? I enjoy feeling melodramatic and soap opera-ish. I love indulging in emotions that I really don't need to feel. Is it because of my age? Should I feel guilty supressing and forgetting about these emotions when I'm thinking of better things?

How am I seen? Am I really the crazy silly guy? Do I never show any real emotion in real life? Can I be taken seriously? Should I feel insulted when people who aren't as pensive as I am try to throw away my thoughts with cries of silliness? Should I feel bad jumping and hopping around the silent, quiet, depressed people?

Although I haven't done it in a while, and although this blog has pretty much made me let go of my feelings for now, I really have to set up some time to have a nice cry or two. It may be a real-life way to deal with all these inner conflicts.

Aaahhhh.

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