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03 February 2005 @ 05:55 pm
This is about me.  
When I'm feeling happy, it's easiest to put me in a bad mood. I'm not angry or anything, but I'm just pretty affected by what I learned in Human Sexuality today -

We're learning about love right now, and today's topic was about attitudes toward relationships and the gender of affection, based on the influences of parents at an early age. I've thought of this a bit, but what I learned today made it really clear to me - my take on relationships has been greatly affected by how my parents acted when I was young.

I see it this way - as a kid up to age 5, my parents were loving, and I spent a lot of time with both of them. I picked up a lot of their traits. I grew attached to both of them.

What I learned in class today was that kids age 5 to 7 are affected most by divorce... and my parents divorced at 6. Before their breakup, I can't remember any tiffs between them - they seemed like a loving couple, and they showered me with affection. So I can see how that sort of sudden realization can really break a kid.

So, self-esteem shot to hell, my parents moved away from each other, and I was left with my mom. Who, of course at that time, I loved with all my heart. She was my freaking mother. She could do no wrong. And I was determined to try my hardest to please this perfect symbol of caring and warmth in my life.

When I found that no matter what I did to please my mom, there was always yelling and rejection, I became worried, and timid. I mean, I knew I must have been doing something wrong to make my mom angry at me like this. It made me feel bad about other things. I didn't want to get into relationships, for example: I was scared of having girlfriends because I thought it'd turn out the same way. I'd try to make them happy, something would go wrong, and it'd destroy my self-confidence. I didn't want that to happen, so I found that I was pretty happy just being with friends.

Soon, when I was able to find out that my mom wasn't a perfect individual, well - a lot of damage had already been done, but removing myself from her control (by getting kicked out of her house) seemed to really help, a whole lot. I found myself more eager to get into new things, because I wasn't afraid of guilt and reprimanding if I didn't follow through.

It's why now, even though I've proven that I can be happy and have a full life without getting into things like this, I'm not too scared to do so. I want to have wild ups and downs; I've been saying this for a while. And today's the day that I really experienced that sort of thing... just hearing about how my parent's divorce really did affect me.

And then after writing this entry, even more problems are beginning to arise for me. I was sorta pouting in class, but I just had a good weep-a-thon just because I'm really not feeling appropriately, well, rewarded for what I'm doing. I'm reaching out constantly, and getting no reply. It's almost worse than getting a negative reply, which is what I had almost gotten used to.

I dunno, I really haven't thought this out right now. I'm going to skip dinner and then attempt some homework...
 
 
Mood: sadsad
 
 
 
嘉慧: lean on mechiahui on February 4th, 2005 03:56 am (UTC)
I hope you'll feel better. I was pretty affected by today's lecture as well, even though I heard most of it last quarter in psych of women. I pretty much thought I wouldn't be as affected, but I was wrong, the pieces of information she didn't give us last quarter pretty much answered my questions from last quarter and that affected me a lot more than I thought it would.
Alex Davisjoevual on February 4th, 2005 04:00 am (UTC)
I think its really great that you've found a girlfriend. Its good to have somebody besides your friends to talk to.

I really hope things work out for you.

You shouldn't regret anything in your past. I think that people who have been burdened with such things as you usually grow up to be extrordinary people because they have been able to rise above troubeling situations. And that is deffinitally reflected through you.
Jeffrey Carl Fadenjeffreyatw on February 4th, 2005 04:19 am (UTC)
Thanks - that's one reason why I'm just slightly happy that I've experienced all this stuff. Without it, I probably wouldn't have been able to establish such individuality, because I'd still be hanging on my parents. There's a yin and a yang to all this sort of stuff.
Voidlostsenshi on February 4th, 2005 04:08 am (UTC)
I wonder what that says about my life.. ages 5-7 I lived with my mother and only my mother, a man didn't come into the picture until way later. I had no father figure except my mother, she was my only figure, and yet then again I spent most of my life in daycare.
ミルス。Seven-Colored Puppeteer of B u c u r e s t i.miluda on February 4th, 2005 08:29 am (UTC)
I had both parents, but they always worked, and I was always in daycare.

It was because we barely had any money to support ourselves-- even my mother wasn't home to take care of us.
Voidlostsenshi on February 4th, 2005 08:37 am (UTC)
yea we were really poor too, welfare poor, foodstamp poor, my father died because he was stupid and addicted to cocaine, and my mother had to work and attain her degree in biochemistry so I was bunted to daycare, I understand why. and that it was all because she loved me and thats all that matters.
ミルス。Seven-Colored Puppeteer of B u c u r e s t i.miluda on February 4th, 2005 08:56 am (UTC)
I think it just makes us stronger, as individuals, even as people in general.
rtf on February 4th, 2005 05:12 am (UTC)
It's a funny thing, but the people I run into that I end up liking the most - and often the type of people I make an LJ friend - are usually the ones who have suffered in life, especially if they are thoughtful about it. I didn't know anything of this about you at first, of course; but it leaves me wondering why it is I can so easily identify that in people, and why I like that characteristic.

I guess that doesn't help you though.
Jeffrey Carl Fadenjeffreyatw on February 4th, 2005 05:22 am (UTC)
Nah, that is interesting. It seems to me like my good group of friends has been through a lot like this too. Like my friend up there said, it really tends to shape people.
Laglisse on February 4th, 2005 05:31 am (UTC)
Congratulations.
Jeffrey Carl Faden: Backwardsjeffreyatw on February 4th, 2005 05:39 am (UTC)
uuuhh
Laglisse on February 4th, 2005 06:12 am (UTC)
Yeah, I don't really know what to say, but I think it's cool that you had such a revelation, so I figured congratulations were in order. I guess I came across like a robot, though. Sorry.
Jeffrey Carl Fadenjeffreyatw on February 4th, 2005 06:13 am (UTC)
Oh, that's what I thought - just a little confused because I was feeling dumpy and maybe you were just repeating what you said in my stupid "girlfriend :)" post.
Laglisse on February 4th, 2005 06:16 am (UTC)
Did I say that then, too? Maybe I am a robot.

Anyway, I'm proud of you. It's cool you can face up to this kind of stuff and not be a trainwreck.
Jeffrey Carl Fadenjeffreyatw on February 4th, 2005 06:16 am (UTC)
Thanks. And I dunno maybe you said something different, I forget.
CreativEcstasycreativecstasy on February 4th, 2005 07:25 am (UTC)
i was kinda freaked out too. my parents didn't divorce, but i definitely had an odd dynamic.

when i was really little, i was raised mostly by my dad because mom worked during the day and dad worked at night. then when i was like 2 or 3 until i was in middle school my family had au pairs (kinda like a nanny from another country, usually england). for a while i was really upset that my parents weren't raising me, they just paid some other person to raise my brother and me. and then when i was in 4th grade (10 yrs old) my mom decided to go back to school (long and complicated story) so for nearly 2 years my mom was in washington dc while my dad, brother, and me were in LA. that's really simplified, but basically i was definitely not raised in a traditional household and it totally fucked with my head.

oh and you were sitting like 3 seats away from me, but when i tried to call over to you i think you had your ipod on or something.
Jeffrey Carl Fadenjeffreyatw on February 4th, 2005 07:27 am (UTC)
Oh, I saw you, and I saw you speak and everything. Maybe I didn't notice you wave. :\
Sumezsumez on February 4th, 2005 08:06 am (UTC)
Human Sexuality? Are you taking a course in psychology?
Jeffrey Carl Fadenjeffreyatw on February 4th, 2005 08:20 am (UTC)
Yes
ミルス。Seven-Colored Puppeteer of B u c u r e s t i.: Honoka - A beautiful thing //michirumiluda on February 4th, 2005 08:30 am (UTC)
If you ever want to, you can write up an e-mail when I'm not there.