We're learning about love right now, and today's topic was about attitudes toward relationships and the gender of affection, based on the influences of parents at an early age. I've thought of this a bit, but what I learned today made it really clear to me - my take on relationships has been greatly affected by how my parents acted when I was young.
I see it this way - as a kid up to age 5, my parents were loving, and I spent a lot of time with both of them. I picked up a lot of their traits. I grew attached to both of them.
What I learned in class today was that kids age 5 to 7 are affected most by divorce... and my parents divorced at 6. Before their breakup, I can't remember any tiffs between them - they seemed like a loving couple, and they showered me with affection. So I can see how that sort of sudden realization can really break a kid.
So, self-esteem shot to hell, my parents moved away from each other, and I was left with my mom. Who, of course at that time, I loved with all my heart. She was my freaking mother. She could do no wrong. And I was determined to try my hardest to please this perfect symbol of caring and warmth in my life.
When I found that no matter what I did to please my mom, there was always yelling and rejection, I became worried, and timid. I mean, I knew I must have been doing something wrong to make my mom angry at me like this. It made me feel bad about other things. I didn't want to get into relationships, for example: I was scared of having girlfriends because I thought it'd turn out the same way. I'd try to make them happy, something would go wrong, and it'd destroy my self-confidence. I didn't want that to happen, so I found that I was pretty happy just being with friends.
Soon, when I was able to find out that my mom wasn't a perfect individual, well - a lot of damage had already been done, but removing myself from her control (by getting kicked out of her house) seemed to really help, a whole lot. I found myself more eager to get into new things, because I wasn't afraid of guilt and reprimanding if I didn't follow through.
It's why now, even though I've proven that I can be happy and have a full life without getting into things like this, I'm not too scared to do so. I want to have wild ups and downs; I've been saying this for a while. And today's the day that I really experienced that sort of thing... just hearing about how my parent's divorce really did affect me.
And then after writing this entry, even more problems are beginning to arise for me. I was sorta pouting in class, but I just had a good weep-a-thon just because I'm really not feeling appropriately, well, rewarded for what I'm doing. I'm reaching out constantly, and getting no reply. It's almost worse than getting a negative reply, which is what I had almost gotten used to.
I dunno, I really haven't thought this out right now. I'm going to skip dinner and then attempt some homework...