Jeffrey Carl Faden (jeffreyatw) wrote,
Jeffrey Carl Faden
jeffreyatw

Groovy baby yeah

Being human is kinda hard sometimes.

Something I know about myself is that I'm a lot less emotional and more introverted than a lot of people I know. In social settings I isolate myself and it's fine by me. I enjoy spending time by myself, going places and seeing sights by myself, playing video games by myself, doing stuff on the computer by myself. Some might call this long-term depression. I just call it my personality. Certainly, it might change, but it's the way I am and I'm mighty fine with it.

My problem, though, is both nature- and nurture-related: I'm constantly surrounded by beautiful women and not short of chances to get to know them better. Consciously, though, I know I do not want a relationship. Logically, I am 100% certain that I do not want a relationship. Emotionally, I'm usually fine without intimate contact - a whole bunch more than anyone else I know. Physically...

But despite the fact that I am in a state where I'm constantly creating and being productive, and despite the fact that my schedule is filled and I've always got a neatly-arranged schedule in which I use my time wisely, there are always the times where I envy those who have constant physical contact with others. Emotional, not so much. I have good friends, I talk with them when they're around, and otherwise, like I said, I'm totally fine by myself. But it's the physical contact that I miss. Pretty chauvinistic, ain't it? Fortunately - *TMI alert* - I can "take care" of myself just fine. So that's where that need's taken care of.

But what I think keeps making me think about those in relationships, and having some sort of nagging feeling in the back of my mind that I should be in a relationship, despite all logic that says otherwise, is human culture/nature (quite intertwined). Because our goal in life is to reproduce, society applauds couples. They're lauded, they're gossiped-about, it's the wholesome goal of any young lad or lass. So it's not any sort of depression or self-doubt that I feel about not being in a relationship - it's the self-consciousness that I get from the fact that I'm not fitting into a societal norm.

I tried stepping out of my comfort zone and tried to have a relationship with an emotional, extroverted person, which, while educational, resulted in me feeling burned-out, uncreative, disparate, and often quite angry. The physical and emotional upsides were clearly not worth it. While I'm sure this sounds completely strange to you who are reading this, and I'm being looked upon as someone who hasn't realized the beauty of relationships and how wonderful they can be, and, like everyone, I have a human urge to be a reproductive organism, I'd just like to say that I feel fine the way I am, I'm living a full life, and just because I fill my time with creativity and productivity instead of other people does not mean that I am even close to any sort of state of despair.

edit: I want to sort of append to what I've said about craving physical contact - that's really all it is, a craving. Sex can be great, but I'm not all too crazy about it. Like I've already disclaimed, it could be past experience that has made me not so eager. Here's the totally surprising part - I've even passed it up in the past for other things that I've found more exciting! Shock!

edit: What I've found makes a lot of people doubtful of those whose stuff they're reading is the level of self-consciousness in the work. I wish there was some way to say that constantly psychologically analyzing and challenging myself isn't a flaw or a bad thing to do, but that'd be more self-conscious than constantly editing a post for clarifications. Oh whoops
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